08:22 PM PST (August 15, 2025) - N.S. EIC

Washington, D.C. — In a moment historians will one day call “The Yeet Heard Round the Nation,” a man identified only as Jared (no relation) hurled a footlong Subway sandwich at a federal agent outside Union Station last night. The sandwich, reportedly a Cold Cut Combo with extra banana peppers, struck the agent squarely in the chest, leaving behind a smear of mayonnaise and a legacy of resistance.

Witnesses say the man shouted, “Taste the revolution!” before fleeing into the night, leaving behind only a trail of shredded lettuce and existential questions.

Taco Barrage in LA

Inspired by the D.C. deli dissidence, protesters in Los Angeles took to the streets today armed not with signs, but with tacos. Carne asada, al pastor, and even vegan jackfruit varieties were launched with precision at ICE agents conducting immigration raids. One agent was reportedly hit by a double-decker taco and muttered, “I didn’t sign up for this,” before retreating behind a food truck.

Local activist Marisol Vega explained the shift in tactics: “Words weren’t working. So we turned to tortillas. It’s non-lethal, delicious, and symbolic. Plus, it’s cheaper than bail.”

Subway Responds

In a hastily prepared statement, Subway Corporation expressed both concern and entrepreneurial enthusiasm:

“While we never intended our footlongs to be used as projectiles against federal agents, we recognize the passion of our customers. Effective immediately, we are offering a 15% discount on any sandwich purchased for the purpose of peaceful protest, including but not limited to throwing, waving, or dramatically unwrapping in front of government buildings.”

The statement was signed by CEO Chad Breadman, who later clarified that the discount does not apply to meatball subs “due to their unpredictable splatter radius.”

Philosophers Weigh In

Dr. Lenora Spackle, professor of Symbolic Resistance at the University of Phoenix (online), called the events “a postmodern rejection of state authority through processed meats.”

“Food has always been political,” she said. “Marie Antoinette had cake. Gandhi had salt. Now America has footlongs and tacos. It’s beautiful, in a deeply stupid way.”

Federal Response

The Department of Homeland Security issued a memo titled “Combating Culinary Dissent,” which includes guidelines for sandwich-proof vests and taco-resistant goggles. A leaked draft also proposed a countermeasure involving government-issued Hot Pockets, though critics argue this may violate the Geneva Conventions.

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In the end, the sandwich thrower remains at large, possibly hiding in a Quiznos. But his legacy lives on in every tortilla lobbed, every footlong flung, and every citizen who dares to ask: What if lunch could be liberty?