06:00 PM PST (September 26, 2025) - S.S. C

QUEENS, NY — In a legal twist no one saw coming, former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly filed an indictment against his second-grade music teacher, Charles Walker, accusing him of “treason against the art of music” and “gross disrespect toward a young, very talented, very stable genius.”

Trump, who attended the Kew-Forest School in Forest Hills during his early years, announced the indictment at a press conference outside Mar-a-Lago.

“Everybody knows, everybody says it, I was the best student of music. Perfect pitch, perfect rhythm. Nobody had better rhythm than me, okay? And Mr. Walker, bad guy, very bad guy, he held me back. Said I couldn’t play the triangle properly. Total witch hunt.”

Walker, now in his late 90s, denied the charges in a brief statement: “I don’t even remember the boy playing the triangle. What I do remember is that he was disruptive, combative, and kept trying to conduct the entire class with a ruler he called ‘the baton of destiny.’”

Sources close to Trump insist the case is strong. One former neighbor, Steve Nachtigall, recalled that young Trump “used to march around the playground yelling ‘I am the maestro!’ before hitting other kids with a stick.”

Legal experts are less convinced. “The statute of limitations on second-grade grudges expired about 70 years ago,” said constitutional scholar Dr. Ellen Ramirez. “But this is Trump, we’re in uncharted territory.”

Trump’s allies, however, are already rallying behind him. At a recent rally in Iowa, supporters held signs reading ‘Free the Maestro’ and chanted, “Lock him up!”, referring, of course, to Walker.

Meanwhile, historians note that most of the more detailed accounts of Trump’s childhood misbehavior come from his later years at the New York Military Academy, where classmates remembered him as domineering and prone to bullying. “Indicting a second-grade music teacher is perfectly on-brand,” said historian Harry Falber. “It’s petty, vindictive, and strangely operatic, almost like one of his rallies.”

As for Mr. Walker, he shrugged off the ordeal. “If he wants to take me to court over a triangle lesson from 70 years ago, I’ll bring the triangle. Let’s see if he can finally keep time.”

Meanwhile, President Trump instructed his Secretary of Education, widely known as the Queen of WWF, to declare music education ineligible for federal funding, warning that any district caught teaching music would be cut off entirely. The redirected funds were aimed at lower-achieving students, accompanied by messaging that framed repopulation as a patriotic imperative, more vital than artistic expression. The initiative echoed a Christian conservative stance opposing birth control, suggesting that band practice was less important than baby-making (Idiocracy?)